At the Crossroad.......

Well, I have been at this crossroad for over a year now...and still cannot decide what to do. There is a simple blood test, DNA, that will tell whether or not my son has FA. It is an expensive test and not covered by insurance. That is part of the reason for putting it off. But the primary reason is, I simply am not sure that I want to know the answer. I have struggled with this in my mind, in my heart. I just don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that by not knowing, there is still hope...yet the symptoms persist and new ones come along. Every time he falls down...is it because he's 5 or is it because he has FA? His heart problems, are they related or is it something he will outgrow? The pain that comes and goes...the jerking of his legs at night when he's sleeping...other signs here and there that more than likely confirm the diagnosis, but yet there is only one way to know for certain. And I continue to struggle with that decision. I know that regardless, we will overcome whatever challenges come our way...but I still want to hope that my sweet little boy will not be in a wheelchair, will not live a shortened life, and will continue on to have a happy, healthy, normal childhood and grow into a fine young man. 

Life is like a boomerang...

...what are you throwing out there? I intend, for 2010, to throw out as much positive intention as I can...trying very hard to change focus away from fear and remind myself that I am a very strong woman and can handle anything that comes my way. My heart has taken a beating here and there over the years but I have always recovered...only to find that there was a purpose for it all or a valuable lesson to be learned and there were better things out there...looking back, I have a life full of awesome memories. I am truly blessed. I am praying for a healthy year ahead for my son, a successful year for my daughter in her studies...and happiness for us all. I may not have much but I do have the love of two amazing children...and that to me is worth more than anything in this world. If that's all I have until the day I die, that will be enough for me.

Funny that I did not post on this blog for all of 2009...this past year has gone by so quickly...need to get back to writing and get back to working on my website. I have let other things cloud my visions and I need to renew hope and clarity in my life. And hope that someday, all the questions will be answered and the fears washed away...and the pieces of my life will fit together leaving me without one single doubt about where I am or who I'm with or not with....not a single question...or maybe I will wake up one day and just not care about the questions or answers. Sometimes I wish it were so simple...I wish I had a suit of armor...but I don't...what I do have, though, is a boomerang...that will bring back what I throw out.....so bring it on 2010...I can take it.

Big day today...

Preparing to take my baby boy in for lots of testing and hopefully answers as a result. Praying that nothing at all is wrong with him. Hoping that he will have a normal childhood playing sports and running and climbing like the little monkey boy that he is.

Candles of prayer have been lit. Requests have been made to God. Hope is in my heart as well as faith. Faith that God is in charge and would not afflict my child with a horrible disease if it weren't necessary for a bigger purpose. Faith that I have the strength to handle whatever is thrown my way. And gratitude for the blessing he has given me in this little boy. My Jake Kenneth Paul...with Grandpa's blue eyes. Thank you.

Music....keeps me going.

Grateful for music...and lots of it...have itunes jamming on the computer in my room and the ipod jamming in the kitchen. So no matter where I go in this shoebox of a flat, I hear music...music to keep me going, get me motivated, take my mind off my worries. Music to seep inside my heart and make me think about good things, bad things...all the amazing things that make life worth living. What would I do without music?

Tomorrow is the big day. Four hours and a battery of testing to determine whether or not Jake has FA. Last night I was watching Extreme Home Makeover...there were two little girls with muscular dystrophy and the team rebuilt them a home that was accessible for them and it was truly amazing. I hope and pray that I never have to worry about that. I hope that all of these symptoms are just growing pains, normal childhood issues and not a sign of something worse. But again...I believe that God does not give us struggles that we cannot overcome. I have faith that if the worst is to be, we will be strong enough to get through it. I have a deep and powerful faith in God. I am not a churchgoer...however I don't feel that you need to be in a church to believe in or pray to God. And I know that God is in control of all things. I truly feel that Jake was put on this earth for a very special purpose which is yet to be determined. He will make this world a better place. He already has. My world has brightened up so much since he came into it. I am a very lucky mommy with two amazing children....God has blessed me and continues to do so each day. And I thank Him for that...every day.

So I have another day off...I am still sick but feeling better each day. I have the music going and now it's time for me to get going...packing, switching out the summer clothes, cleaning, laundry, pulling out Ashley's air conditioner...a good day to get some inside chores accomplished. It's chilly outside. I have my dad's thermal shirt on to keep me warm and music to motivate...so off I go.

Gratitude and Prayers

Have had a lot on my mind lately....trying to preoccupy myself with the house hunt helps somewhat, but not enough. Didn't get the house in Allen Park, made an offer on the Taylor house. And the cycle continues. At least it has provided me with a way to keep my mind off of Tuesday....

Speaking of which...in two days I will be taking my son in for a battery of tests to determine if he has a neuromuscular disease called Friedreich's Ataxia. It is a hereditary disease that runs in my family, a recessive gene trait defect that falls within the Muscular Dystrophy family, although technically, it is an ataxia, not a dystrophy...anyway, you know Jerry's Kids, the Labor Day Telethon...I have faith that his testing will prove that he is indeed fine. I have been praying that this will be the end result. I know that whatever happens, God does not give us more than we can handle. Jakey started showing symptoms this year, sometime after his appendix ruptured. He is young to be showing signs of this disease, yet it happens after trauma or injury or illness...and a ruptured appendix certainly falls within that category, especially at age 3. So I try not to focus on this, however, how can I not? He is my baby boy. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. It's my job to make sure of that. And so I am grateful for faith and hope and for doctors and neurologists that know about this disease and can give me the answers I need and provide the testing required to determine if in fact he does have this. It could indeed just be growing pains and coincidence that his symptoms are the same as what FA would show. Regardless, he is a strong little boy with a strong mommy. And we will get through any struggles that are sent our way. I will make sure of that. God will make sure of that. And until this ordeal is over, I will continue to try and occupy my mind and thoughts with other things. Worry doesn't help nor solve anything. It's just another waiting game...what life is all about, I suppose. And so I wait. And hope. And pray. And above all, give thanks for my little sunshine boy who has blessed my life so much. With him and Ashley, I can get through anything at all. That much I do know.

The Waiting Game...

So I know it's only been two days since my offer went through, but the waiting game is no fun! Just would like to know so that I can either finish looking or start looking again...I am obsessed with searching for houses and it's driving me crazy! So I am praying for an answer SOON!!!

Today I stayed home from work with Jakey...both of us are sick...he is still coughing his head off and I feel like my head is about to fall right off my neck. Slept off and on most of the day and just took it easy. Had a fever most of the day, still do. Just want to crawl back in bed and hope to feel better tomorrow. I sure hope Jake can shake his cough so that he can go back to school and I feel good enough to go back to work tomorrow. Don't want to call off again.

So that's it...waiting waiting waiting....wish Jose would get ahold of that lady with the listing agent and find out what the hell is going on!! If my offer isn't accepted, I want to make an offer on the house in Taylor. But I can't do that until I know and I don't want to lose out on both!!! So wish me luck!

House Hunt Continues...

...with another offer on another home...or property, I should say, as it is not a home until it is mine. This one is in Allen Park...3 bed, 2 bath, nice brick ranch....and so we shall see if it is meant to be...it will be mine. Now, just a waiting game to see if the bank accepts my offer...but I have a better outlook this time because I know that if they don't accept it there is something better waiting for me and my family. That's a fact.

I am sick...Jake is sick...he's been sick for going on a week...it was inevitable that I would contract his germs as my little batman still sleeps with his little head on my shoulder, snuggled up with me every night. Thank God for king sized beds!!! I am drained and feeling tired, can't breathe, my head feels like it's about to explode. So this is going to be short...as I give thanks for our quick recovery from the autumn viruses and look forward to breathing normally soon! Into the shower for another day of work...at least I am stalled from viewing more houses until I hear from that bank....

And I can't close without saying good luck to my friend, Jose....he has a big day tomorrow. It will be a successful day for him and a new door open for new opportunities. He deserves that...and he will get it...no doubt in my mind.

Off to work...let it speed by quickly so that I can relax a bit and try to feel better...