Gratitude. It's Powerful. Get a grip on it! It will change your life!

At the Crossroad.......

2010-03-07T19:06:00.000-05:00

Well, I have been at this crossroad for over a year now...and still cannot decide what to do. There is a simple blood test, DNA, that will tell whether or not my son has FA. It is an expensive test and not covered by insurance. That is part of the reason for putting it off. But the primary reason is, I simply am not sure that I want to know the answer. I have struggled with this in my mind, in my heart. I just don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that by not knowing, there is still hope...yet the symptoms persist and new ones come along. Every time he falls down...is it because he's 5 or is it because he has FA? His heart problems, are they related or is it something he will outgrow? The pain that comes and goes...the jerking of his legs at night when he's sleeping...other signs here and there that more than likely confirm the diagnosis, but yet there is only one way to know for certain. And I continue to struggle with that decision. I know that regardless, we will overcome whatever challenges come our way...but I still want to hope that my sweet little boy will not be in a wheelchair, will not live a shortened life, and will continue on to have a happy, healthy, normal childhood and grow into a fine young man.

Life is like a boomerang...

2009-12-31T21:26:00.002-05:00

...what are you throwing out there? I intend, for 2010, to throw out as much positive intention as I can...trying very hard to change focus away from fear and remind myself that I am a very strong woman and can handle anything that comes my way. My heart has taken a beating here and there over the years but I have always recovered...only to find that there was a purpose for it all or a valuable lesson to be learned and there were better things out there...looking back, I have a life full of awesome memories. I am truly blessed. I am praying for a healthy year ahead for my son, a successful year for my daughter in her studies...and happiness for us all. I may not have much but I do have the love of two amazing children...and that to me is worth more than anything in this world. If that's all I have until the day I die, that will be enough for me.

Funny that I did not post on this blog for all of 2009...this past year has gone by so quickly...need to get back to writing and get back to working on my website. I have let other things cloud my visions and I need to renew hope and clarity in my life. And hope that someday, all the questions will be answered and the fears washed away...and the pieces of my life will fit together leaving me without one single doubt about where I am or who I'm with or not with....not a single question...or maybe I will wake up one day and just not care about the questions or answers. Sometimes I wish it were so simple...I wish I had a suit of armor...but I don't...what I do have, though, is a boomerang...that will bring back what I throw out.....so bring it on 2010...I can take it.

Big day today...

2008-10-07T06:12:00.003-04:00

Preparing to take my baby boy in for lots of testing and hopefully answers as a result. Praying that nothing at all is wrong with him. Hoping that he will have a normal childhood playing sports and running and climbing like the little monkey boy that he is.

Candles of prayer have been lit. Requests have been made to God. Hope is in my heart as well as faith. Faith that God is in charge and would not afflict my child with a horrible disease if it weren't necessary for a bigger purpose. Faith that I have the strength to handle whatever is thrown my way. And gratitude for the blessing he has given me in this little boy. My Jake Kenneth Paul...with Grandpa's blue eyes. Thank you.

Music....keeps me going.

2008-10-06T11:09:00.002-04:00

Grateful for music...and lots of it...have itunes jamming on the computer in my room and the ipod jamming in the kitchen. So no matter where I go in this shoebox of a flat, I hear music...music to keep me going, get me motivated, take my mind off my worries. Music to seep inside my heart and make me think about good things, bad things...all the amazing things that make life worth living. What would I do without music?

Tomorrow is the big day. Four hours and a battery of testing to determine whether or not Jake has FA. Last night I was watching Extreme Home Makeover...there were two little girls with muscular dystrophy and the team rebuilt them a home that was accessible for them and it was truly amazing. I hope and pray that I never have to worry about that. I hope that all of these symptoms are just growing pains, normal childhood issues and not a sign of something worse. But again...I believe that God does not give us struggles that we cannot overcome. I have faith that if the worst is to be, we will be strong enough to get through it. I have a deep and powerful faith in God. I am not a churchgoer...however I don't feel that you need to be in a church to believe in or pray to God. And I know that God is in control of all things. I truly feel that Jake was put on this earth for a very special purpose which is yet to be determined. He will make this world a better place. He already has. My world has brightened up so much since he came into it. I am a very lucky mommy with two amazing children....God has blessed me and continues to do so each day. And I thank Him for that...every day.

So I have another day off...I am still sick but feeling better each day. I have the music going and now it's time for me to get going...packing, switching out the summer clothes, cleaning, laundry, pulling out Ashley's air conditioner...a good day to get some inside chores accomplished. It's chilly outside. I have my dad's thermal shirt on to keep me warm and music to motivate...so off I go.

Gratitude and Prayers

2008-10-05T15:03:00.003-04:00

Have had a lot on my mind lately....trying to preoccupy myself with the house hunt helps somewhat, but not enough. Didn't get the house in Allen Park, made an offer on the Taylor house. And the cycle continues. At least it has provided me with a way to keep my mind off of Tuesday....

Speaking of which...in two days I will be taking my son in for a battery of tests to determine if he has a neuromuscular disease called Friedreich's Ataxia. It is a hereditary disease that runs in my family, a recessive gene trait defect that falls within the Muscular Dystrophy family, although technically, it is an ataxia, not a dystrophy...anyway, you know Jerry's Kids, the Labor Day Telethon...I have faith that his testing will prove that he is indeed fine. I have been praying that this will be the end result. I know that whatever happens, God does not give us more than we can handle. Jakey started showing symptoms this year, sometime after his appendix ruptured. He is young to be showing signs of this disease, yet it happens after trauma or injury or illness...and a ruptured appendix certainly falls within that category, especially at age 3. So I try not to focus on this, however, how can I not? He is my baby boy. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. It's my job to make sure of that. And so I am grateful for faith and hope and for doctors and neurologists that know about this disease and can give me the answers I need and provide the testing required to determine if in fact he does have this. It could indeed just be growing pains and coincidence that his symptoms are the same as what FA would show. Regardless, he is a strong little boy with a strong mommy. And we will get through any struggles that are sent our way. I will make sure of that. God will make sure of that. And until this ordeal is over, I will continue to try and occupy my mind and thoughts with other things. Worry doesn't help nor solve anything. It's just another waiting game...what life is all about, I suppose. And so I wait. And hope. And pray. And above all, give thanks for my little sunshine boy who has blessed my life so much. With him and Ashley, I can get through anything at all. That much I do know.

The Waiting Game...

2008-10-01T18:02:00.002-04:00

So I know it's only been two days since my offer went through, but the waiting game is no fun! Just would like to know so that I can either finish looking or start looking again...I am obsessed with searching for houses and it's driving me crazy! So I am praying for an answer SOON!!!

Today I stayed home from work with Jakey...both of us are sick...he is still coughing his head off and I feel like my head is about to fall right off my neck. Slept off and on most of the day and just took it easy. Had a fever most of the day, still do. Just want to crawl back in bed and hope to feel better tomorrow. I sure hope Jake can shake his cough so that he can go back to school and I feel good enough to go back to work tomorrow. Don't want to call off again.

So that's it...waiting waiting waiting....wish Jose would get ahold of that lady with the listing agent and find out what the hell is going on!! If my offer isn't accepted, I want to make an offer on the house in Taylor. But I can't do that until I know and I don't want to lose out on both!!! So wish me luck!

House Hunt Continues...

2008-09-30T06:18:00.002-04:00

...with another offer on another home...or property, I should say, as it is not a home until it is mine. This one is in Allen Park...3 bed, 2 bath, nice brick ranch....and so we shall see if it is meant to be...it will be mine. Now, just a waiting game to see if the bank accepts my offer...but I have a better outlook this time because I know that if they don't accept it there is something better waiting for me and my family. That's a fact.

I am sick...Jake is sick...he's been sick for going on a week...it was inevitable that I would contract his germs as my little batman still sleeps with his little head on my shoulder, snuggled up with me every night. Thank God for king sized beds!!! I am drained and feeling tired, can't breathe, my head feels like it's about to explode. So this is going to be short...as I give thanks for our quick recovery from the autumn viruses and look forward to breathing normally soon! Into the shower for another day of work...at least I am stalled from viewing more houses until I hear from that bank....

And I can't close without saying good luck to my friend, Jose....he has a big day tomorrow. It will be a successful day for him and a new door open for new opportunities. He deserves that...and he will get it...no doubt in my mind.

Off to work...let it speed by quickly so that I can relax a bit and try to feel better...

Might be tougher to break them than I thought!!

2008-09-23T12:32:00.004-04:00

Okay, so the bank isn't budging...what is up with that??? Don't they know that nobody else wants to buy their crappy house anyway? Jeez...well, it's okay....because we are going to find the perfect house, Jose promised me...and I don't think he would break his promise! Not to batgirl! And he knows about my can-o-whoopass, too...anyway, guess they will be sitting on that house for a while. And I still think that they will realize their mistake and call back with a better offer for me!! We shall see...no matter what, La Vida es Dulce...............si senor!!!

A New Day

2008-09-23T05:54:00.003-04:00

So this morning I woke up full of energy! Amazing...I can see myself in that house. I am confident that the bank will come back with a counter offer that is within my range and I will make it happen! I don't know why I am so stuck on this house...maybe it's the street name Kennebec resembling my dad's name, Kenneth. I never thought I would want a house without a basement but something is drawing me to this house in spite of its flaws. I am always searching for 'signs' to the things that occur in my life. And when it comes down to it, it's got to be the law of attraction...simple as that. There is a reason for everything. I do believe that. Maybe I don't always understand what those reasons are...but that is what life is all about...learning, living, growing. Truly amazing, God's splendor. I am so blessed and so thankful for all the gifts in my life. And regardless of whether I am right or wrong with this particular house, it doesn't matter, because all things shall come together for me and my kids and we will be in the home that is meant for us...

I have finally made an appointment for my son with the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Two weeks from today. I know that God doesn't give us anything we cannot handle, so I am trying to focus on that and not worry. I am the luckiest mommy in the world to have been blessed with my little Jakey. And we have my Dad looking over us as well. I believe that. I feel his presence still in my life. He is behind so many of my decisions. I miss him so much but I still feel him and his strength.

And into the shower I go....ready for a new day and grateful for all that God has brought to me today. La vida es dulce!!!

The Sun is Rising...

2008-09-21T06:48:00.003-04:00

The sun is coming up and it sure is beautiful. Woke up full of energy this morning and a list a mile long of things to accomplish today.

I had a dream last night that I was running and running...I don't know from what or to what. But it was exhilarating. I was on a beach, much like this picture from my Florida vacation. The ocean was peacefully breaking into the shore. And all I could do was run. It wasn't out of fear, like I was trying to get away from something...can't even explain it...but anyway, I feel like I am back to myself. I had a couple rough days...it happens. I find myself wishing for things to be different. I dwell on memories and hopes when really I just have to remember that in spite of it all, life is still beautiful. Thanks for that, Jose...

A pesar de todo que linda es la vida! I have to embed that in my brain.

I am ready to start my day...a beautiful day, for certain. I will accomplish all that I set out to accomplish today. I will get my chores done and enjoy all that the day has to offer.......and continue packing up boxes preparing for the move that is sure to happen soon!

Getting Back to Gratitude...

2008-09-20T11:57:00.002-04:00

So I slipped up yesterday...got to feeling sorry for myself and missing George and look where it got me....a mile long post that totally avoided the subject of Gratitude. But I am thankful for him. No matter what happens, my life is better from having met him and from realizing that I am able to allow myself to love again. And hurt again. Because that 'Bohr Block' gets to be a pain in the ass sometimes. Reminds me of Trace Adkins' song "I Wanna Feel Somethin" ....life is not as amazing when you shut off your emotions. It may be safer, but not near as fulfilling. So I will keep doing what I do best...think positive and hold onto my dreams. I am just a happy girl who sometimes gets sad. And at those times, for me it is best to get it out in writing...a letting go of sorts....like relieving the pressure in an over-filled tire. Just a little at a time. Over-inflated tires make for a bumpy ride, you know? Gotta ease up the load sometimes.

And so today I am grateful again for Jose...he is ditching me for a week but I predict that no suitable housing will come on the market next week anyway, because the law of attraction will be aware that I don't have access to the best realtor downriver during that time....and the only thing I see happening is that the bank sends over a fax to his office saying they would ABSOLUTELY LOVE to sell me that house on Kennebec for the price that I offered! And if that's the case, well, hell, his partner can fax him the stuff to sign and we can get the show on the road. And I will be whistling dixie while packing up boxes. Okay okay...so we shall see...

I am grateful for my beautiful daughter....she got her hair chopped off. And it took me a bit to get used to it, but she is beautiful no matter what hairstyle she has. I have never seen her with short hair since she was a baby....she wears it well....beautiful...amazing....eyes that would knock your socks off...she is my baby girl.

I am grateful for my amazing little boy. He was so strong and brave at the doctor's yesterday. Took his shots like such a big boy! I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him. He is my little Batman....

And so today...the house hunt continues...off to drive by some and see if they are worth looking inside. And spend the day cleaning and packing because that new house is right around the corner.....I won't be cooped up in this flat much longer...the Law of Attraction will make certain that I'm not!!

To My Daughter On Her Graduation Day

2008-06-11T13:56:00.003-04:00

Wow......I am still walking around in a daze....wondering where the time has gone...what happened to my little girl who ran around with her blonde hair up in pigtails? I remember it was hard to get you to wear skirts once you hit about 4 years old...I would tell you that they made you run faster...it worked for a while....Just like the 'music truck'....how many years did I get out of paying those sky high prices by telling you it was a music truck going by, not the ice cream truck. That worked much longer than I thought it would...if it hadn't been for Aaron blowing it! Shoot, hardly got to even use that excuse for Jakey...Michael and Jordan filled him in right away...damn it! It's not that I didn't want you to have ice cream, nor did I think you didn't deserve it, it's just so frickin expensive on that stupid truck when you can buy a whole box on sale for less than one at their prices! You know that now, right? Of course you do...because you go grocery shopping and Gordon's is your favorite place...and I have taught you well.

I can never express how truly proud you have made me, Ashley. I am blessed to be your mother. I am blessed to have you in my life. You mean the world to me. And I know that you will succeed in anything that you attempt. I know that you will be the best that you can be and do the best that you can do in anything at all in this world. You are an amazing daughter. And you have brightened my life more than I could ever thank you for.

I love you baby girl. Be proud. We may have had a tough life at times and I know you have seen me struggle over the years...in relationships, financially, and in many other ways...but just know that you have always been my strength...the reason behind so many decisions...and all of them have made us who we are today. When you walk up there and get that diploma hold your head high and know that you have accomplished a very important goal in life...and it is a stepping stone to your future...one that I know will be bright and successful. I know that Grandpa would be so proud of you too....I wish he were here to see his first grandchild graduate. He will be watching, no doubt about that, but I wish he were still alive to celebrate where you are and where you are heading.....he would've been overcome with pride...just like I am.

Love you........

Mom

How can she be graduating already?

2008-06-07T12:59:00.000-04:00

It seems like just yesterday that I was bringing my daughter, Ashley to her first day of kindergarten. I remember seeing the 08 shirts for the first time thinking that it was so far away. And here it is. A blink, it seems. God, how time flies. So many memories filling it up but yet it speeds away right before our eyes.
I was thinking about her graduation ceremony. They give us 5 tickets to invite people to attend. I wish my Dad could be there. And I wonder if her dad will be there. Or her paternal grandparents. They wouldn't be there for her but Ashley has a cousin that attends the same school. I don't like to think about the fact that her grandparents have not been involved in her life. When I think about how close my Dad was to me, it makes me sad to know that my daughter was never given the same opportunity. Not by her biological father anyway, nor by his parents. I remember one of the last times I saw them when she was small. Her grandfather referred to her as 'the girl'...I honestly don't think he even remembered her name. She was about 5 I think. She was their 13th grandchild. She was my mom and dad's first. A blessing, either way, in my eyes and one not to be taken for granted or forgotten...but life throws curves and we have surmounted them all.
Ashley is one of the strongest people I have ever known. I have to take some credit for that...for the most part, I have raised her alone. She is smart, caring, giving, responsible, athletic, beautiful and amazing in every way. She is the daughter every mother would wish for. A straight A student, defies the pressures of the teenage years and remains true to her own beliefs. She has integrity and passion. She is everything I had ever hoped for her to be and more. And on her graduation day, I couldn't be more proud. She makes me proud every single day. She and Jake are my sunshine, my breath, my life. How did I ever get so lucky? I don't know....but I truly am grateful.
Congratulations, Ashley. I love you forever....you will always be my baby girl...the girl that started my life over when before you, I thought it would end. Thank you for being my reason to be strong and caring and true to my own beliefs, too...I love you.

Deadbeat Dads

2008-03-03T16:40:00.003-05:00

So I've been thinking a lot lately about deadbeat dads. How is it that they can just walk away from their own flesh and blood, their own child? Or deadbeat moms for that matter. I've known a few of them over the years as well....my trouble in particular is with my daughter's deadbeat dad. Now she is approaching her 18th birthday in August. This man, who only just met her a few years ago, by his own choice, is thousands and thousands of dollars in arrears with Friend of The Court. He quit a well-paying position at DTE years ago and started his own company doing seasonal cement work. This, too was by his own choice...and he told me very vehemently that his reason was to get out of paying child support. Whatever. I've raised my daughter fine on my own all these years. I think she is an amazing young woman and she makes me incredibly proud. He has lost out on her entire life so far, other than the handful of times that he has seen her. What made me think of all this was the fact that I checked my child support account yesterday to see if by some chance he had sent some in...not so...last time was over 4 months ago. And that's what started these random thoughts of the penis-wielding son-of-a-bitch. Last time Ashley saw him was New Year's Eve. He showed up at the party she went to with her two half sisters (who are amazing, by the way and not at all like their father...at least not that I can tell) and when Ashley came home this is what she said to me: "You know, I honestly would not care one bit if I never saw 'Chris' (her father) ever again...I don't think of him as my dad and I never will." And she told me how he tried to hug her, just like he did her sisters, who he has remained involved with for their whole lives...and she felt very uncomfortable. Well, why the hell not...I mean this is the guy who had never even acknowledged her for over 14 years. His family also turned their backs on us. Her grandparents, aunts and uncles...none of them cared to recognize that there was another family member in the next town over...and here we are, almost 18 years later...and he is multiple thousands of dollars in arrears in child support and has lost out on a lifetime of love, joy and pride by his own choice. I could never turn my back on my own child. Never. These are random unfinished thoughts and they are disturbing my pleasant ones so I'm going to stop for now...

Love,
Mommy

My Little Trooper

2008-03-02T18:50:00.005-05:00

Recently, my 3 year old son was in the hospital. I took him to Wyandotte assuming he had appendicitis. I was right. My poor little buddy. Got his first ride in an ambulance and doesn't even remember it. They took us to Children's Hospital of Michigan by ambulance from Wyandotte Hospital to perform surgery. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. Three hours after arriving, a doctor came in and agreed with the other hospital's diagnosis, however wanted to do an ultrasound to be sure. We waited. Two more hours and they took him down for the test. He was so brave through all this. I V's being inserted...unable to even take a sip of water with prospective surgery "soon" to be performed...an ultrasound probe poking and prodding him right where it hurt already, being in pain for more than 12 hours and still no solution or end to it. And then we were informed that he needed surgery. DUH!!! I thought that appendicitis was an emergency. I was told that as soon as we arrived at Children's, he would be taken right in to surgery. It was 14 hours later that finally he went in. By then his appendix had ruptured. This was, no doubt, the scariest day of my life so far. I love my little boy so much. I was strong for him and he was strong for me. He made me so proud. I couldn't cry in front of him. And I held strong throughout. Until the doctor came out two hours later and said that the surgery went well, he was okay, but his appendix had ruptured and he would need to stay in the hospital and have I V antibiotics around the clock to prevent sepsis. At that moment, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I went outside into the bitter cold, smoked probably 3 cigarettes...and that's when I broke down. Alone in the middle of Detroit, so thankful to God that my son was okay. Kevin was at the hospital with me. I did end up calling him when we were on our way to Children's. I would kill him if anything ever happened to Jakey when he was with him and he didn't call me. Single parenthood...it's strange sometimes. Even though Kevin was there, I still felt alone...alone in my thoughts, alone in my fears, alone in knowing that the piece of my heart that walks around in a 3 year old boy was laying on an operating table without his mommy next to him...like my world was caving in fearing that something terrible would happen to my little boy. We spent 8 days there, Jake and I. It took him a while to eat again and he looked so frail when we got home...still does actually. He was running a high fever a few days after and I was still afraid that he was getting an infection from the poison released into his body from the rupture...but he pulled out of it. And we were sent home...and life went back to normal. God is good. Thank you for taking care of my baby.

2007-10-26T16:52:00.000-04:00

Here is a copy of my eBay listing....do you think I sounded a little angry or bitter.....at any rate, it was very therapeutic even if I didn't make any money.

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HUGE LOT OF (33) TY BEANIE BABIES AND (17) TY TEENIE BABIES.
YEP, THAT'S FIFTY, COUNT 'EM, 50 TOTAL BEANIE BABIES...
THESE ARE IN NEAR MINT CONDITION.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING, DRIVING FROM STORE TO STORE BACK IN THE EARLY 90'S BUYING THESE STUPID THINGS UP LIKE CRAZY??? AND FOR WHAT??? TO SIT IN A PLASTIC TUB FOR THE LAST 10 PLUS YEARS OR SO?? I JUST HAD TO GET THEM FOR MY LITTLE GIRL. HAD TO GET THE HARD TO FIND ONES, HAD TO SCROUNGE THE MCDONALD'S HAPPY MEALS ALL OVER LOWER MICHIGAN TO GET THE TEENY ONES...AND SHE NEVER EVEN REALLY PLAYED WITH THEM. SO NOW, I'M CLEANING OUT MY STORAGE, TRYING TO FREE UP SOME SPACE, AND SINCE MY EX-HUSBAND SEEMED TO DISPOSE OF ALMOST ALL OF MY BELONGINGS, I FIGURED I MIGHT AS WELL SELL WHAT I HAD LEFT AND START FROM SCRATCH. LIFE IS GOOD WHEN YOU GET RID OF OLD BAGGAGE...THE EX WAS THE BEST THING I GOT RID OF, AND AS MUCH AS I HATE TO PART WITH THESE CUTE LITTLE BEAN STUFFED TOYS, I MUST MAKE A CLEAN BREAK! THIS IS THERAPY FOR ME, SO WHERE THE BIDS END UP, I DON'T REALLY CARE. I WAS CLOSE TO USING THEM FOR DOG TOYS FOR MY TWO JACK RUSSELLS, BUT SINCE THEY TEAR APART THEIR TOYS AND THE COTTON FLUFF INSIDE GETS ALL OVER MY HOUSE, WELL, I DIDN'T FEEL IT WOULD BE WORTH IT TO HAVE TO CLEAN UP ALL THOSE LITTLE BEANS OR PEA PODS OR LITTLE PLASTIC BEADS THEY PUT IN TO THOSE TOYS...NOT TO MENTION, IT PROBABLY WOULD NOT BE HEALTHY FOR THE PUPS. AND FROM READING THE ABOVE SENTENCE, I GATHER YOU CAN PRESUME THAT THEY DO NOT COME FROM A PET-FREE HOME. ALTHOUGH MY PETS HAVE NEVER PLAYED WITH THEM OR EVEN BEEN NEAR THEM BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN LOCKED AWAY IN A PLASTIC TUB FOR YEARS AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I STILL HAD THEM TIL MY EX DECIDED TO CLEAN OUT THE RAFTERS AND BRING THESE BACK TO ME CLAIMING VICTORY THAT HE REALLY DIDN'T THROW ALL MY STUFF OUT, BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT WITH THESE? WITH THEM, HE ALSO BROUGHT MY WEDDING DRESS, TRAMPLED UPON AND ROLLED UP IN A PLASTIC GARBAGE BAG (CHECK SOON FOR LISTING ;0) AND JUST WHAT DID HE THINK I WOULD DO WITH THAT??? I WOULD MUCH RATHER HAVE THE CLOTHES I COULD STILL WEAR RATHER THAN THE REMINDER OF THE BEGINNING OF OUR NIGHTMARE MARRIAGE..ANYWAY...HERE THEY ARE, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
FULL SIZE BEANIES WITH TAGS
GRACIE (SWAN)
MAGIC (UNICORN)
CHOCOLATE (MOOSE)
FLIP (WHITE CAT)
RAINBOW (DARK BLUE LIZARD LOOKING THING, I THINK MISTAGGED)
HIPPITY (GREEN BUNNY)
BONGO (MONKEY)
SPEEDY (TURTLE)
WAVES (SHAMU TYPE WHALE)
LEGS (FROG)
CONGO (GORILLA)
LIZZY (LIZARD)
CLAUDE (CRAB)
SCOOP (PELICAN)
SPUNKY (DOG)
POUNCE (BROWN CAT)
ALLY (ALIGATOR)
PUGSLY (DOG)
ECHO (DOLPHIN)
IGGY (LIZARD THING THAT WAS MISTAGGED AND SHOULD'VE BEEN RAINBOW I THINK)
NANOOK (WOLF)
HALO (ANGEL BEAR, WHITE)
POUCH (KANGAROO)
PRANCE (GREY STRIPED CAT)
CRUNCH (SHARK)
EARS (BUNNY)
SCOTTIE (BLACK DOG)
INCH (COLORFUL WORM)
WISER (CLASS OF 99 GRAD OWL)
PINKY (FLAMINGO)
SEAWEED (0TTER)
AND A BLACK BEAR WITH NO HEART HANG TAG SO I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME
AND SPINNER THE SPIDER WITH NO HEART TAG

TEENIE BEANIES WITH TAGS
QUACKS (DUCK)
TWIGS (GIRAFFE)
SEAMORE (SEAL)
SPEEDY (TURTLE)
MEL (KOALA)
GOLDIE (FISH)
LIZZ (LIZARD)
PINKY (FLAMINGO)
SNORT (PIG)
ZIP (BLACK CAT)
BONES (DOG)
PATTI (PLATYPUS)
HAPPY (HIPPO)
WADDLE (PENGUIN)
AND 3 MORE WITHOUT TAGS, A SHEEP, MOOSE AND MONKEY.

NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS REAL THERAPY FOR ME. EVEN THOUGH I HADN'T EVEN MET MY HUSBAND WHEN I BOUGHT THESE, THE FACT THAT HE IS CLAIMING TRIUMPH OVER BEING SO CARING AS TO RETURN THESE LONG LOST TOYS OF MY DAUGHTER'S TO ME, MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. DOES HE SERIOUSLY THINK THIS IS WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID I WANTED THE REST OF MY BELONGINGS?? THAT WHATEVER HIS HO-BAG LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND WHO IS ALSO HIS FIRST EX-WIFE AND WORKS AT A FLEA MARKET DIDN'T SELL WHEN SHE CLAIMED THE HOUSE I BOUGHT AND TRANSFORMED, AS HER OWN MEANWHILE MAKING A PROFIT ON ALL OF MY DOC MARTIN SHOES AND ABERCROMBIE CLOTHES SINCE SHE WAS TOO FAT TO FIT INTO THEM...AS WELL AS ALL MY HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES, JEWELRY ETC..THIS IS WHAT I GOT. NICE, EH? AND THE EX GETS THE SLEAZEBAG THAT CHEATED ON HIM TEN YEARS AGO AND IS MORE THAN LIKELY DOING IT AGAIN ALREADY, THOUGH WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE HER, I DON'T KNOW...I SAY, THEY DESERVE ONE ANOTHER...AND I DESERVE TO FINALLY GET RID OF THE ROTTEN IDIOT AND MOVE ON. SO BUY THESE BEANIE BABIES SO I CAN PUT IT TOWARDS THE DIVORCE FEES. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON MY ATTORNEY! YIKES!!! HE WON'T BE GETTING ANY REFERRALS FROM ME! EVEN IF THESE BABIES SELL FOR THE STARTING PRICE, THAT AT LEAST COVERS ONE OF THE PARKING FEES FOR THE FEW HOURS SPENT AT THE CITY COUNTY BUILDING IN COURT. SO HELP A FRIEND IN NEED...ADD THESE TO YOUR COLLECTION AND IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN COLLECTING LYING, CHEATING EX-HUSBANDS, I'D BE WILLING TO SELL HIM TOO. MATTER OF FACT, I'D PAY SOMEONE TO GET HIM OFF MY BACK..SEEMS EVEN WITH HIS NEW DOMESTIC ARRANGEMENT, HE CAN'T SEEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE..GET A GRIP, BUDDY. THIS WOMAN IS LONG GONE, WAY OUT OF REACH FOR YOU. FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU, FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME...JACK ASS. KEEP YOUR SKANKY, FATASS FIRST EX-WIFE...YOU TWO DESERVE ONE ANOTHER...AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. GO LISTEN TO TAMMY WYNETTE'S D-I-V-O-R-C-E OR LOOK UP THE DEFINITION...I AM NO LONGER YOUR WIFE AND THANK GOD, AM FINALLY ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.
THANKS IN ADVANCE..AND AGAIN, NOT FROM A PET FREE HOME...WHY THAT MATTERS, I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT SEEMS TO BE A POPULAR THING TO ADD TO YOUR LISTING. THEY ARE FROM A PET FREE RUBBERMAID CONTAINER, THOUGH. AND THAT IN TURN WAS FROM A PET FREE RAFTER AREA IN THE GARAGE. OH WELL, NONE THE LESS, THERE MAY BE SOME JACK RUSSELL ALLERGENS THAT HAVE ATTACHED THEMSELVES TO THESE LITTLE TOYS WHEN I PUT THEM ON THE COUCH TO PHOTOGRAPH THEM...OH, AND SHIPPING, I FIGURE WILL BE ABOUT 10 OR 15 BUCKS, I DON'T KNOW. I'LL WEIGH THEM LATER AND LET ANYONE INTERESTED KNOW IF YOU SEND ME YOUR ZIP CODE.
LONG LIVE THE BEANIE BABIES!!
and by the way, I only take paypal if it is direct bank transfer. I am not a business and do not accept credit cards. If I had gotten all my stuff back, I may have considered opening a premier account with paypal, but this is all I got. Well, and the wedding dress, but who would want that??

Closed doors...new beginnings...

2007-10-26T16:32:00.001-04:00

I am so full of a very peaceful, ecstatic feeling since learning that my divorce is finally over...

To the left is a picture of our wedding day. I was full of mixed feelings that day, scared, excited but the strongest feeling was a sense of doubt in the back of my mind. I should have followed my instinct, should have listened to my heart. But I thank God that I didn't. Because as mentioned previously, I would not have my son if it weren't for the marriage that preceded him. I know that I got married for the wrong reasons. I've learned a lot of valuable lessons from it. The biggest one being don't marry someone that has broken your trust. I don't know if I will ever venture down that road again, but I do know this: I thank God for having the father/daughter dance with my dad who passed away just six months after my wedding. I thank God for my amazing children and I thank God for giving me the strength to transcend many difficult situations. I am looking forward to new beginnings...and am glad that I can finally close the door on a marriage that was never truly meant to be.

INSPIRATION: TO BREATHE THE BREATH OF GOD

2007-10-23T06:53:00.000-04:00

My divorce is over, final, complete. October 15, 2007. What a relief to finally be done with the long, exhausting process. Now it is time to move on with my life. To focus on the good things, the best thing that came from my marriage was my son. And he is the reason I look brightly towards the future...my baby...

Gratitude

2007-09-30T08:10:00.000-04:00

I have been keeping a gratitude journal for a long time now...It helps me stay focused on the blessings I have in my life. I truly am a very lucky woman. So today I am going to blog it instead of writing in my journal because two of those blessings I have (my dogs) seem to have torn up my gratitude journal....a simple reminder list:

My two amazing kids, Ashley and Jake. They are the primary source of my joy and my reason for wanting to be the best mom that I can be, the best woman that I can be and the best role model that I can be.

My sister, Debbie. She has always been there for me and is the one person I can count on through thick and thin.

My father. Even though he has been gone now for almost 5 years, he still influences my life daily and the memories I have of him I will always hold dear to my heart. I wish he could have met my son.

The rest of my family, my mom and brothers, nieces and nephews. We are a close knit family and when I hear of the relationships that some people have with their siblings, I am so thankful that I know I have 6 brothers I could always count on if I needed them. Life is so short.

The basic necessities...my home, car, food in my fridge, a warm bed to sleep in.

Friends...I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are amazing and life long.

My job and the feeling of satisfaction it gives me knowing that through the years some of my patients have become some of those lifelong friends.

Hope...the ability to continue to have hope for the future. Going through the divorce shattered some of that but I have discovered that having my heart broken has allowed an opening for the possibility of new love. I am glad that I have found the ability to reopen my heart and let the walls down a little to learn to trust again.

My little boy's smiles, laughs and hugs. He is such a loving boy and I am so grateful to have him in my life and to be his mommy.

Love...I am surrounded by love everyday and thank God

My Baby Blue Eyes..the best gift from my marriage!

2007-09-16T20:25:00.000-04:00

Do I forgive him or not? Tomorrow marks one step closer to the end of my marriage. We get to see the arbitrator. Finally...after over a year dealing with a piece of shit lawyer who is basically useless, now the judge calls in someone else who can hopefully bring this divorce to an end. I want to say that I forgive my husband. For everything. For the lies, the cheating, the complete and total disrespect...Ireally do want to forgive him..and I tell myself that I have. But I still feel anger. I still wish him a miserable life. I want to get past that. Deep inside, I truly am grateful to have met him. Without him, I would not have my son. And without my son, my life would not be the same. And I thank God for bringing me my little boy every day...now I am praying to God to help me let go of the anger...teach me to forgive...show me the beauty in the feeling of true inner peace. Please? Look at those amazing blue eyes my little boy has.......when I see him, when I hold him, that's when I know that all of this has been worth it. That's when I can feel the anger subside...please let that feeling accompany to the Arbitration tomorrow. I pray for strength, poise, control and most of all acceptance. Whatever happens...I know I will be okay because I have those amazing blue eyes to come home to.

Happy New Year!

2006-12-31T09:10:00.000-05:00

Well, 2006 is just about over! Lots of changes in my life this year. Going through the divorce, learning The Secret, discovering the value of true wealth. 2007 is going to be a great year for me. I am going to stick to my goals and achieve all of them. I am going to quit smoking, get healthier and exercise daily like I used to. I am going to see that my sister has a baby, whether it is on her own or I am her surrogate, but this year, she will have her own child to hold in her arms. I am going to continue to visualize great things for myself and my family. I am so grateful for my two beautiful kids and the joy they have brought into my life. I am the luckiest mommy in the world.

May 3 2006

2006-05-03T11:42:00.000-04:00

Let's see, where do I start. I'm new to blogging, but really need an outlet, so here I am.

I have two awesome kids...my daughter, Ashley, is 15 and plays hockey. She's the light of my life...along with my 2 year old son, Jake. I don't know where I would be without either one of them.

Ashley came into my life when I was 21 years old. I was a single mom, her dad had left me when I was pregnant. She was my hope, my little angel. Most people feel a connection to their partner when their child is born that is not easy to put in words. For me, I felt a severence from him when that cord was cut. I had a new life, me and my baby girl. I was no longer alone in this world. She was a miracle to me. Perfect in every way. I can never describe that feeling of first seeing her...but it remains clear to this day as she approaches her 16th birthday...hard to believe so many years have passed.

Will add more later, it's a beautiful day today and I'm going to get my little boy outside to enjoy the sunshine..

Love, Mommy