Gratitude

I have been keeping a gratitude journal for a long time now...It helps me stay focused on the blessings I have in my life. I truly am a very lucky woman. So today I am going to blog it instead of writing in my journal because two of those blessings I have (my dogs) seem to have torn up my gratitude journal....a simple reminder list:

1. My two amazing kids, Ashley and Jake. They are the primary source of my joy and my reason for wanting to be the best mom that I can be, the best woman that I can be and the best role model that I can be.


2. My sister, Debbie. She has always been there for me and is the one person I can count on through thick and thin.


3. My father. Even though he has been gone now for almost 5 years, he still influences my life daily and the memories I have of him I will always hold dear to my heart. I wish he could have met my son.


4. The rest of my family, my mom and brothers, nieces and nephews. We are a close knit family and when I hear of the relationships that some people have with their siblings, I am so thankful that I know I have 6 brothers I could always count on if I needed them. Life is so short.


5. The basic necessities...my home, car, food in my fridge, a warm bed to sleep in.


6. Friends...I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are amazing and life long.


7. My job and the feeling of satisfaction it gives me knowing that through the years some of my patients have become some of those lifelong friends.


8. Hope...the ability to continue to have hope for the future. Going through the divorce shattered some of that but I have discovered that having my heart broken has allowed an opening for the possibility of new love. I am glad that I have found the ability to reopen my heart and let the walls down a little to learn to trust again.


9. My little boy's smiles, laughs and hugs. He is such a loving boy and I am so grateful to have him in my life and to be his mommy.


10. Love...I am surrounded by love everyday and thank God

My Baby Blue Eyes..the best gift from my marriage!

Do I forgive him or not? Tomorrow marks one step closer to the end of my marriage. We get to see the arbitrator. Finally...after over a year dealing with a piece of shit lawyer who is basically useless, now the judge calls in someone else who can hopefully bring this divorce to an end. I want to say that I forgive my husband. For everything. For the lies, the cheating, the complete and total disrespect...Ireally do want to forgive him..and I tell myself that I have. But I still feel anger. I still wish him a miserable life. I want to get past that. Deep inside, I truly am grateful to have met him. Without him, I would not have my son. And without my son, my life would not be the same. And I thank God for bringing me my little boy every day...now I am praying to God to help me let go of the anger...teach me to forgive...show me the beauty in the feeling of true inner peace. Please? Look at those amazing blue eyes my little boy has.......when I see him, when I hold him, that's when I know that all of this has been worth it. That's when I can feel the anger subside...please let that feeling accompany to the Arbitration tomorrow. I pray for strength, poise, control and most of all acceptance. Whatever happens...I know I will be okay because I have those amazing blue eyes to come home to.